The Taliban hate Metallica, The Offspring
Wanna find an insurgent while fighting the war for our freedom? Blast some Metallica and that’ll have ‘em running for the hills.
The U.S. Military are fighting Taliban forces with bullets, tanks and heavy metal and hard rock, according to the Associated Press. When enemy forces started firing on our troops in Marjah, Afghanistan, our boys fired up the speakers and blasted Metallica, Thin Lizzy and The Offspring to annoy them.
The speakers are so powerful that people can hear the music up to a mile away. Imagine what listening to “Master Of Puppets” at point blank must sound like!
A U.S. special forces officer said that the music was hand-selected to piss off Taliban troops.
“Taliban hate that music,” the officer explained. “Some locals complain but it’s a way to push them to choose. It’s motivating Marines as well.”
Kids are usually the first ones to cover their ears when they hear the huge guitar riffs and heavy bass licks. They don’t broadcast any obscenities over their speakers but the officer made sure to point out that when they play the music, “we tell them they’re gonna die”. So they’re gonna die but at least they won’t hear any swear words.
But not everyone is happy with rock music psychological warfare. Lieutenant Colonel Brian Christmas (yes that’s his real name) has spoken out against rock n’ roll being used in war. “It’s inappropriate,” said Christmas. “I’m going to ask this to stop right now.”
Now while rock music has been known to get the troops all fired up before going into battle, I’d like to suggest a different approach. Instead of heavy metal, why not blast the shit out of Lady Gaga and Beyoncé to bring out enemy forces? Think about it. If they hate our western culture so much, the sound of a woman singing provocatively over a pounding dance beat will have them going apeshit. They jump into the line of fire, we pick them off, the war is over and everyone goes home and goes to a real Metallica concert.
I should never consider a career in the military.
Tags: Metallica, The Offspring, Thin Lizzy
